My sophomore year of college at Gardner-Webb, I was coming back from Easter break to my old, decrepit dorm room on a Sunday afternoon. The security system had gone haywire, so I couldn't get access into the building. Therefore, I had to go to University Police to gain access. On our way back to my dorm, the Chief of UP was asking where I live. I told him, and he said "Oh, well you're at home then." Home.
Over one year later, I am still stewing on that phrase. Chief was implying that I did not live too far away, and that Gardner-Webb was my secondary home. But, man, how can you define home? Home is not four walls and a wifi password. Home is not a luxury apartment with a view. Home is where your friends and family are. It's where your heart lies. Home.
During that year of stewing at Gardner-Webb, I learned a few things along the way. First and foremost, let me please just throw this out there: college is not this magical experience full of never ending excitement and friendship. Actually, I learned quite the contrary. Home.
At this "home" of mine, during my junior year, the most important lesson I learned was to quit crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for me. I know you are supposed to love people, but there is a difference between loving someone and having respect for yourself. You deserve to give and be given back to in return. You deserve respect and answers and true friendship and love and adventure and unrelenting grace. You deserve to demand all of that. Home.
There was a moment during my junior year of college where I pretty much lost grip of who I was. I let these external influences affect me in ways that are absolutely inexcusable. I lost incredible friends and indescribable experiences. All in the name of being...cool? For like 2.3 seconds? Looking back, I can't even begin to wrap my head around why I thought it was cool to mock, degrade and insult others. I found my circle grow smaller and smaller; all the while, still thinking about this "home" thing, I began to wonder. Is this really a home? Am I at home here, as myself? Home.
If anything, I was homesick. Literally, so much that I began to commute back and forth every week. Back and forth, again and again, to that "home" Chief talked about. There were more than 4 walls and there was definitely a wifi password. I did not consider Gardner-Webb anything like home from then on out. Being there was not a pleasant experience at all. I dreaded going back every Sunday night. But all of this dread had me still thinking about "home". Home.
I reached a point a few weeks later, after weeding out all of the negativity and drama, to see a light. I saw something that few people can say they have. I found that, in the process of "losing" so many fake friends and influences, I had found those few who stuck by my side. Two friends might sound pathetic to some, but I am and will be forever grateful for those two people. I learned friends will come and go, and that is okay. But those who stay see more value than what can be seen with the eye.
Because you don't need those influences that don't see your full worth.
You don't need to be dragged into something that takes away from your natural awesomeness.
You don't need "friends" who flip a coin every day to decide if they will like you.
I'm coming home.
I am very proud to say that at the age of twenty-one, I quit caring what people said or thought or did. I gave up on caving in. I stopped sacrificing who I was to get a rise out of others. Now, I will be the first to say that it truly stinks when you begin to take a stand against everything you ever stood on. You will often find yourself alone, but hear me out. From experience, it is so much better to be alone than to be in the presence of negativity. Might not seem that way, but it is. I'm Olivia. I like to make other people happy. I listen to country music. And I learned that I'm going nowhere but up. Home.
Don't compromise yourself for a popularity contest. People don't care how cool you might seem, trust me. They are more concerned with themselves. Don't let anyone dull your sparkle. Be you. Stand for what you believe is right.
I'm finally home.
